First Trial Scan Results, Announced in a Roundabout Way

Let's see...last we chatted, I'd been wide eyed and sleepless, waiting for scan results (and bloodwork, too). Wednesday night was scan night - chest, abdomen, pelvis - and we met with my oncologist on Thursday morning. As usual, he sent in a surrogate first. Usually it was his fellow, but today it was the hematology/oncology fellow. He entered, said hello, we pretended we knew each other, and he sat down at the computer. "So," he said as he accessed my files, "The scans were unremarkable but for these blood clots we're seeing in the portal vein system...let's take a look." Nick and I looked at each other. "Sorry - what?" I said. "Blood clots?" And he opened up one of my scans. "Yes...here we go. Let's take a look." 

At this point, I had to interrupt him. "So, wait," I said. "What did you mean by unremarkable scans? There's no new areas of concern? Has there been growth in my lung lesions?" Finally, Dr. Fellow turned away from the computer and looked st me. "I'm sorry! I thought Wells (my oncologist) had already been in!" "No," Nick and I responded at once. "Oh! Yes! No growth. No new areas of concern!" Brief smile. "But let's look at these blood clots that are new..."

And that, Dear Readers, is how I discovered that the immunotherapies I've been taking since March not only were kicking in, but also appear to be working well! Zero change. NO GROWTH! Not even a millimeter of change. This hasn't happened in a long time. And there are no new lesions! I nearly fainted with relief. 

This is really great news. Immunotherapies usually take longer to kick in, so to speak, because rather than killing all the fast growing cells (good and bad) with chemical toxins (chemo), immunotherapies nudge the immune system to start working harder, and makes the cancer cells, which do an excellent job of hiding themselves so that the body's immune system don't notice them, visible to your system. So it takes longer to get those new pathways working. I'd been warned at nearly everyappointment and in every conversation that I should not be surprised if the scans don't look fantastic; I should expect that things would likely look worse, and the next set of scans would really show positive changes. Maybe they were just trying to keep my expectations low - but hell! I don't mind! The drugs are working! Yippee!!!!

Over the last six weeks or so, I've noticed that I have lots more energy, my skin looks better, and even persistent pains I've been dealing with for years have been receding. I hoped, of course, that it was due to the new meds, but after 4 years of ups and downs, I've become more than a little jaded. More than a little skeptical. And more than a little low in the hope department. So the cautious part of me has been telling myself that it's the cleansing of chemo from my body that's been responsible for these positive developments. After all, I've been receiving chemo for four years. And it's only now, after roughly 4 months chemo free, that I've started to realize how extensively chemo has invaded my body. From "chemo brain" through constant pains and migraines, constant overall physical weakness and fatigue, and all the way down through my disrupted monthly visits from Aunt Flo and itchy, dry skin on my feet, my body has been holding onto chemo toxicity in many, many ways. 

So now I'm not only toxic chemical free, I have the amazing gift of zero growth of my existing lesions - all of which are in my lungs!! I couldn't ask for a better gift during this season of spring, of renewal and rebirth. And just in time for Mother's Day! This will be an especially sweet celebration for me this year. A tiny, steady flame of hope has ignited in my soul, and it's warming me up to all kinds of ideas and plans. Not only that, but with my newfound energy (and strength - I went through a fitness program for cancer patients at my hospital), the ideas blossoming in my heart are likely to come to fruition this summer! 

I'm excited (SO excited!) - but also afraid to be excited. And that's okay; I can live with those opposite ideas struggling along together. After all, I've been doing it for years. But for the first time in quite a while, the hope is outshining the fear for now. I'm not about to let that realignment go. 

I have so much more to tell you - about life in a clinical trial, about my rededication to fitness, about mothering my children with this new mindset guiding me. But they'll have to wait a few days.  For now, know that my cancer ISN'T growing at the moment  and life feels unbelievably sweet!  (And the blood clots - well, they're not fantastic news but we are stepping up my blood thinner and my medical team will monitor the situation in their usual careful and aggressive fashion.) 

I wish you all sweet dreams and even sweeter experiences this weekend. Thank you for being here with me every step of the way.