Did You Ever Think Life Was Gonna Be This Way?

I have the tendency to leave out the messy, sad, difficult parts of my everyday life with cancer. The reasons for that are legion, but they boil down to one: we all like to present our best selves. No one likes to feel vulnerable and naked to the world. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me. There are only a tiny handful of people that I really open up to about this terrible disease, and that's because it's a huge burden and frankly, I don't want to trust just anyone with sharing my load.  But I don't want everyone to think life is all rainbows and sunshine, either.  When one of my closest friends, who loves me very much (and the feeling is mutual), urged me to stop obsessing over certain things and gave me a well-intentioned pep talk about how the big crisis was over and it was time to find my "new normal"...well, I knew I had some 'splaining to do. If someone that close to me thinks that we're all done with cancer around her...

...My next CT scan has been scheduled for October 10th. I probably won't post about it until the weekend though, so don't ask. xo First up: Tightrope Walking Across the Uneven Bars Don't worry, Nadia. There's a mat for when you fall. (Can you believe there aren't any "anxiety olympics" images? Quick, someone make me a sketch.)

After a long hiatus in which I could only watch "Friends" episodes, listen to the All Souls trilogy on audiobook, walk around feeling like I'd drunk a gallon of coffee, and sometimes - sometimes  - knit, I've finally read a book. Two books, in fact! I'm so proud. One seems to have a bit more synergy with my present situation, however, so I give you: Station Eleven: A Novel by Emily St. John Mandel Had Station Eleven been written in a chronologically organized way, it would have been a nice addition to the growing field of post-apocalyptic fiction. But Mandel instead takes readers through life before "the collapse," as well as during and after that seminal event, using a technique that reminded me of a disorganized but dazzling pile of photographs.  Readers follow the fates of a handful of people introduced in the first chapter of the book, which occurs in a theater just before the collapse. What really makes this book sparkle is the organi...

So, I'm all done with my radiation therapy, two days early - and not a moment too soon, because for whatever reason, it was making me supremely depressed. My oncologist mentioned once that radiation patients seem to experience depression at a higher level than other patients but he didn't have an explanation. I don't have an explanation, either, but I was a big disaster for the last four days. Just ask my husband, my mom, or my dad, all of whom were privvy to various temper tantrums and breakdowns. My kids also saw me weepy and taking to my bed, Victorian style. Not terribly proud of that, but to be honest, it was probably for the best to have me tucked away in the bedroom like an ailing great-granny. My poor kids - they're going to think motherhood consists of crying and sleeping. At least they seem to take it in stride - when I fell asleep on the couch yesterday for two hours, my 7 year old daughter, who was home sick with a fever, came over and covered me with a b...

There's this crazy amazing thing that happens when you cry out for help. Within minutes of my last post, I discovered someone had sent me a card game in the mail; I received comforting (and in at least one case, perfectly bossy) texts from several dear friends, all of whom made me laugh even though I was also crying; and I got plenty of internet love, too. Plus my dad called to tell me to ditch the edema and keep the boots, and he threw in a bonus idea of what to make for dinner. So you know what I did? I discovered a Xanax on the floor, so obviously I took that.  Already feeling a bit better, I proceeded to watch the "The One with Ross's Sandwich" episode from  Friends  while taking a bubble bath, and then I got out of that bathtub and put on decent clothes - I even wrestled those damn boots on, too. Next, I started walkin'. Because that's what you do after you finish your middle of the day bubble bath pity party and put on kickass boots. (And also what you...

My life feels a little...blank right now. The kids have started school: my sweet daughter is now a confident third grader, my beautiful baby boy started kindergarten yesterday, and my funny and engaging students have begun their semester without me. My treatments don't start until next week.  You'd think I'd be euphoric - No responsibilities! Time to read whatever I want! The ability to make lists of things I want to clear out and organize! Hours to take walks and practice yoga! But, all I want to do is sleep. I'm exhausted. The house is a bit of a mess and I didn't even manage to put away the laundry my mom came over and did for me (on her birthday, no less). I'm looking at the clothes I bought for fall semester and lamenting that I have no reason to wear them. The awesome boots my dad bought me don't fit my feet now, even though they did in the store (curse you, edema! *shaking fist*).  My pile of e-books that I've been dying to get through are ga...