The Quick and the Definitely Not Dead
How's that for a good title?! That's right. I'm alive and (mostly) well. This is the quick version because I've been writing another blog post that has gotten pretty deep and needs editing and revising before I can publish it. I hope to share that this week, before all of the current events I reference get lost in the void. So, here's the latest.
Last Monday, I awoke at un ungodly hour and shuffled over to the hospital for scans: one CT (no contrast, because I'm allergic to CT contrast dye, which was fun to find out) for the lungs, and MRIs for the abdomen and pelvis. Within hours, I met with my oncologist and we looked at the CT scans (MRIs take longer and there was something wrong with some technology somewhere on campus, which made the wait even longer), and quickly discovered that the clinical trial in which I had been taking part for the last 6 months was no longer working - scans showed that my existing tumors, which are in my lungs, had grown. Without the MRIs, we didn't know if there were new sites to worry about, and some of my bloodwork was missing, too. But my oncologist had a plan, and now we are executing the plan: I start back on oral chemotherapy this week. Yippee! Sounds morbid, maybe, to be celebrating a return to chemo but hey, I want some nice toxic chemicals in my body to kill the fucking cancer, okay? Don't begrudge me my joy. I am also seeking a second opinion, which my doctor strongly supports, because he is an excellent doctor and I haven't had a second opinion since 2014. We did discuss my return to Houston, but it just did not seem like good timing, so I am heading out at the end of the month for that adventure and will tell you all about it once it happens. In the meantime, my medical team is on the lookout for possible clinical trials, formulating back-up plans and alternatives to the back-up plans, and so on, and I am busy over here in the Mile High City living my life, reading good books, challenging myself to be a better person, and trying to keep my house clean.
So there you have it! The end of the clinical trial feels abrupt and even scary, I know, to many of you; since posting last week on Facebook that I ditched the trial, I've had so many, many people sending me lots and lots of love, which reminded me of the fact that I discovered over four years ago: I have angels. So many angels, in so many guises, and I'm humbled and full of gratitude for all of them - for all of you.
So let's take a little skip over to the bright side, shall we? First and foremost, I am NOT at the end of my treatment options; I did not enter the trial as a last ditch effort, which is not the case for many of my fellow patients. Second, I had a nice long vacation from chemo, my hair is now long enough that I feel like myself again, and I enjoyed an excellent summer during which I managed to be both extremely self-indulgent and still be out and about with the people I love. Finally, and far most importantly, my summer was only possible because I am lucky enough to have my best friend, the love of my life, our daddy of the century - my husband, Nick, standing tall with me through it all, supporting me so thoroughly and selflessly, all while swinging his sickle, keeping things even, radiating peace of a kind I wonder if I will ever know. To be honest, all of this - ME! - is only possible because of the people who love me, and the people I love.
Yep. It always comes back to love, doesn't it? Every bedtime, every sunrise, every important moment of our lives. Love.
Last Monday, I awoke at un ungodly hour and shuffled over to the hospital for scans: one CT (no contrast, because I'm allergic to CT contrast dye, which was fun to find out) for the lungs, and MRIs for the abdomen and pelvis. Within hours, I met with my oncologist and we looked at the CT scans (MRIs take longer and there was something wrong with some technology somewhere on campus, which made the wait even longer), and quickly discovered that the clinical trial in which I had been taking part for the last 6 months was no longer working - scans showed that my existing tumors, which are in my lungs, had grown. Without the MRIs, we didn't know if there were new sites to worry about, and some of my bloodwork was missing, too. But my oncologist had a plan, and now we are executing the plan: I start back on oral chemotherapy this week. Yippee! Sounds morbid, maybe, to be celebrating a return to chemo but hey, I want some nice toxic chemicals in my body to kill the fucking cancer, okay? Don't begrudge me my joy. I am also seeking a second opinion, which my doctor strongly supports, because he is an excellent doctor and I haven't had a second opinion since 2014. We did discuss my return to Houston, but it just did not seem like good timing, so I am heading out at the end of the month for that adventure and will tell you all about it once it happens. In the meantime, my medical team is on the lookout for possible clinical trials, formulating back-up plans and alternatives to the back-up plans, and so on, and I am busy over here in the Mile High City living my life, reading good books, challenging myself to be a better person, and trying to keep my house clean.
So there you have it! The end of the clinical trial feels abrupt and even scary, I know, to many of you; since posting last week on Facebook that I ditched the trial, I've had so many, many people sending me lots and lots of love, which reminded me of the fact that I discovered over four years ago: I have angels. So many angels, in so many guises, and I'm humbled and full of gratitude for all of them - for all of you.
So let's take a little skip over to the bright side, shall we? First and foremost, I am NOT at the end of my treatment options; I did not enter the trial as a last ditch effort, which is not the case for many of my fellow patients. Second, I had a nice long vacation from chemo, my hair is now long enough that I feel like myself again, and I enjoyed an excellent summer during which I managed to be both extremely self-indulgent and still be out and about with the people I love. Finally, and far most importantly, my summer was only possible because I am lucky enough to have my best friend, the love of my life, our daddy of the century - my husband, Nick, standing tall with me through it all, supporting me so thoroughly and selflessly, all while swinging his sickle, keeping things even, radiating peace of a kind I wonder if I will ever know. To be honest, all of this - ME! - is only possible because of the people who love me, and the people I love.
Yep. It always comes back to love, doesn't it? Every bedtime, every sunrise, every important moment of our lives. Love.
Damn, it is amazing how your spirit works to lift all of us up when all this is happening to you. Thanks for making me a better person by being you. And also know I am here when you want to be a dick too.
ReplyDelete