2018 April 16: An Unexpected Chemo Break and Other Developments

Spoiler Alert: I guess it's possible: I finally complained too much.

But I had no choice, with the complaining and the wailing and the gnashing of teeth and so on! I've spent about $9 kajillion on skincare solutions but my skin would not play nicely. I can't even believe I'm saying this, but it's not even the acne all over my face that has been bothering me the most. It's the fact that I feel like a cicada nymph about to become a glorious locust, but without the glorious locust payoff. Don't know what I'm talking about? Feast your eyes on this:

If that's not interactive enough for you, it appears that you can buy empty cicada shells in a fancy jar on Etsy. And then you, too, can feel what it's like to have my skin, at least a little...by putting one of the shells on your thumb? (Seriously, though, what is going on with this, Etsy? I feel like I just stumbled into the dark underbelly of the craft world.) 

Anyhoo, I'm gonna whistle away from that particular Pandora's box and tell you that, as a result of my skin shedding and peeling and burning and itching and bleeding, especially on my neck and now the little parts where my earlobes meet my head...I'm on a one week chemo break and a short course of steroids in the hopes that this helps clear up all the skin reactions.  This break irritates the hell out of me, because of COURSE more poison please, but it also makes me secretly (and now I guess, not so secretly) happy because my skin is really on the warpath.  I mean, I've been exfoliating my eyelids twice a DAY, you guys, AND even snagged a free fun size of La Mer's Concentrated Eye Cream that works in amazing fashion for at least an hour...but these measures have not refreshed my complexion in the manner in which I had hoped. No. What they have done is forced me to reveal my secret Star Wars identity: 

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Maz Kanata.  

Bet you weren't expecting that kind of shocking reveal today, were you? Yeah, I wasn't expecting it, either, but let's face it: the daily news in America right now is such that one needs to put all salacious and exciting material on deck in order to stay relevant.  

Speaking of which, I have been really putting you all through your paces in my demands that you listen to my skincare woes. I will move on, but the woes will continue, and thus I've decided to have a pop-up shop, if you will - or at least a pop-up...column? Whatever. It will be called Dr. J's Cancer Beauty Bar, and will include my latest and greatest attempts to retake the narrative in the skin wars. Read or don't, as your complexion and interest level demands. 

Before I get to that, though, I'll tell you that my last appointment wasn't all disappointments. Yay! I also had my CEA number taken for the first time since my last set of scans and change of chemo regimen. I have probably explained this before, but basically, CEA measures the amount of a certain kind of protein in your blood. Elevated levels of that protein can indicate progression or recurrence; falling levels can indicate that your treatment is working. It's a number that shouldn't be looked at alone because it also measures other stuff and isn't always a good indicator. But most oncologists will measure it in a Stage IV patient. For a long time, my CEA number was pretty low (below 5 - healthy individuals measure 3 or lower) but then it started to be less consistent and, over time, it has climbed to a number that I don't want to share because that will give me a panic attack. ("Keep it secret. Keep it safe.") I have always hated getting my CEA level measured because it FREAKS ME THE FUKC OUT, and really, nothing is going to happen as a result of it when we are in between scans - I already get scans every 8 weeks and my oncologist would not change protocols in between scans.  So we decided to only take it in concert with scans. Good idea. 

With this new regimen, though, we decided to do a mid-cycle CEA test. I was eager to know if there were signs of the new chemo's efficacy (or lack thereof), and I am already all anxiety-ridden (surprising, I know) because my last treatment option failed. Anyway. The CEA. They took it and I shivered and trembled a bit waiting for the results...and the RESULTS WERE REALLY GOOD! My CEA number dropped by over 50%! That's a significant change, and it made having to skip a week of chemo both better (the chemo is working!) and worse (hey! that chemo is working!!).  I cracked my cicada skin with all the smiling about this little development.  Take that, cancer! 

Me, giving cancer the middle finger. 

Sunglasses cover my Maz Kanata eyes.

I was all ready to celebrate the bonus feel-good weekend afforded by skipping chemo for a week, but then Friday morning rolled around, and I woke up and promptly started barfing. Why, body? WHY? I really need to get to the bottom of this barf epidemic. I have an endoscopy coming up and maybe they can tell me if I have an ulcer or something. I know it's tied to my cancer treatments, somehow, but I cannot figure out why and how these sneak attacks are taking place! I don't get sick the first few days after chemo - that's probably because they give me lots of anti-nausea drugs with my pre-meds - but then it's sort of a crap shoot (barf shoot, ha).  If I eat before noon, seriously, I throw up. Is this because I'm such a night owl? Is it because my stomach is still asleep? Could it be because I'm taking something I shouldn't be taking on an empty stomach? I'm tracking down all my leads and so far have come up...with nothing. I'm no detective, people! I don't even read detective novels (unless it's a Flavia de Luce book). So, if you have any ideas,  feel free to jump in and let me know. 

Once I barfed, I hated the rest of the day. I know, I know - I should have been all boot and rallyish, but I just couldn't. I managed to pull myself together to play mom all weekend, though! Saturday passed in a haze of lacrosse and windy weather, and then we had piano recitals on Sunday. My children are athletic and artistic geniuses, what can I say? Then my daughter came down with a fever and a bad cold over the course of Sunday afternoon. I didn't realize this until it was late in the afternoon and I finally took her temperature - and it was 102. Horribly, the only reaction I had was relief...that she wasn't throwing up. Both because I'm tired of throwing up and also because I'm on a strict Lysol management program and have already reached my monthly quota. (Let's just say I get a little wild when it comes to germ warfare. Think Maz Kanata in the temple when the bad guys show up, but with an aerosol can.) 

The week ahead looks like a chemo infusion, a birthday celebration, some kid activities, and - of course - a weekend full of lacrosse. If anything else crops up, I'll be sure to let you know. In the meantime, peruse the latest beauty bar trials and tribulations.

Dr. J's Cancer Beauty Bar Pop-Up Shop:

Since it looks like this Vectibix is both working (yay!) and giving me a hell of a time (boo!), I anticipate continuing  my search for the holy cancer skincare grail.  As I've said before, I am not paid to give my opinion on any of these items and have purchased them with my own money. Of course, if you want to send me products to try, I'm not gonna turn you away! (SW Basics, Tarte, Origins...take note!) In a desperate bid to staunch the outflow of cash that this latest obsession has created and also to minimize the build-up of useless products in my bathroom, however, I have started to pick up samples (lower prices and sometimes even free!).  Here are my latest finds:

left to right: Origins' Modern Friction, Tarte's Timeless Smoothing Primer, and Coola's Rosilience Organic BB+ Cream with 30 SPF. Not shown: La Mer's Concentrated Eye Cream

In my ongoing search to save my skin from cicada shell ugliness, Maz Kanata level wrinkles, and, mostly, pain that wakes me up at night and makes it hard to wear even my coziest, softest clothing, I tried a couple of items. First of all, I already alluded to the fact that in a moment of complete desperation and insanity, I went to the inner sanctum of skincare altars: the La Mer skincare counter at Nordstrom. There, I removed my sunglasses and was treated to a delightfully horrified response from the salesperson that left me feeling somewhat satisfied that I was not overreacting. The struggle is REAL. He gave me a tiny sample of La Mer's concentrated eye cream AND let me slap it on my burning lids right there in the store.  You know, I thought La Mer was overhyped. But it turns out, not so much: the cream went on smoothly and (this is key) painlessly, and for a few blissful minutes, all was right with the world. My eyelids stopped exfoliating and wrinkling. I could blink. I thought, I AM WORTH THE PRICE OF A JAR OF LA MER! But alas, within an hour, my eyelids had resumed their shedding and peeling, and I decided that I would just return to the counter now and then on bended knee, whip off my glasses and plead for another sample. I'm not proud. In the meantime, I'll be saving my eye cream sample and using it on days when I just can't take another minute and then lying back on my velvet lounging couch. And yes, I will follow the "use about a large grain of rice" swipe directions that Terence gave me and then scraping every tiny speck of the eye cream out of the sample jar to make it last besides. And if anyone knows anyone at La Mer, please tell them of my plight. 

Terence also gave me a sample of their newest product, the gel cream moisturizer, and that one was not so good for my poor face. I've tried a number of these gel-based products, which boast about being water-based but in my completely inexpert opinion, I have concluded that you cannot trap water in a gel without a fair amount of alcohol or something like it, because these products make my skin burn like fire. So skip the gel cream and ask for the eye cream. I didn't ask for the original cream because I didn't want to overuse my sample card, you know what I mean? But I have high hopes for that one and will keep it in my back pocket for a rainy skincare day. 

The products pictured were a mixed bag. The Origins Modern Friction treatment smelled good, as Origins products are wont to do, and went on okay...but after about 5 seconds, it started smelling sorta chemical-y and again with the skin like fire, so I rubbed it off in a hurry and bid that sample a sad farewell. The Tarte primer was a much more successful experiment. It smelled really subtle and not at all flowery, and it feels silky under your fingers. It's also very, very thick and a little goes a long way. I put it all over my face (but not on my eyelids) and voilà! It worked well enough that I was able to fall asleep. Very soothing, no stinging or burning at all, and thanks to the consistency (I think?), it lasted for hours. Once applied, it felt sort of matte, if that makes sense. It had zero greasy or oily residue. I don't know what this is made with, exactly, but I'm thinking maybe a specially treated cotton candy fluff. Is that possible? If so, this makes it not only an A, but an A+ in my book. Get some at Sephora. 

The last one was a COOLA bb+ cream with SPF 30. Many people don't realize that various chemo regimens strip the skin's natural ability to filter out UV rays and so we cancer patients need extra coverage, lest we get (wait for it...) skin cancer. A number of drugs warn you to stay out of the sun altogether, and I have heard on good authority from a friend who was not a complete moron and forgot to put SPF on her ankles (the only part showing after wearing the hat and the shirt and the pants that pretend to make you feel like you're living the island life but if that's the island life, it's a really shirt-clingingly sweaty kind of place so why live that way?) the day she went to a lacrosse tournament kids' sporting event, that those drug warnings are not a joke. She had reverse golfer tan for an entire summer, that poor woman. 

In honor of that dumb friend of mine, I have promised to use sunblock at all times. Usually, I just have a daily lotion that includes SPF and then I have a bb cream that has it when it's winter and I throw on regular sunblock in the summer - but now this whole skin burning and falling off thing has upended my usual routine. So, COOLA. I'll end the suspense: it didn't work. It went on sort of feeling like sunscreen rather than a bb cream, and then it stung me like bees and that was the end of that. I have others, though. Don't worry! I'll be back!

For those who have lost track at home but would like to play along, I'm still loving SW Basics Original Cream (a true must have item, buy it at Target) and their Exfoliating Cream, too. I also wear Tarte's bb cream with SPF on the daily.  And I have a bottle of just Argan Oil that I've been keeping next to my bed for middle of the night hot spots. The primer from Tarte is also becoming a daily use item. And I still find these all very useful even though my reactions were getting out of hand enough that I had to take a week off and bring on the steroids (look forward to me bitching about how steroids make me ultra fluff out next week). What have you found that works on your skin? 

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