2018 13 May: Spring in My Step

I've been neglecting you, my dedicated blog readers. I'm so sorry. Don't worry, I haven't been languishing in the hospital or crawling from bed to rocking chair and back. I haven't even been in hiding. Nope! I've been out and about, and I've been busy! I've been...SPRING CLEANING. 

This is a momentous event. Long, long ago, in a world before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was a tidy person. An organized person. A person who would work all day, come home, parent and perform various household tasks, and then end the day with some reading or hanging out with my husband. And then I would get up and do it all again the next day. I had energy! I'm sort of amazed, looking back now, on all that I was able to get done. Spring cleaning was one of those things. On a somewhat regular basis, I would tear apart the closets, purge the dresser drawers, weed out the bookshelves, and all the rest. But that was a long time ago. In my post-diagnosis life, some days the biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed, or taking a shower, or making dinner. And some days, it's not even that much. Such is my life with advanced cancer (and compromised lungs, and a messed up circulatory system, and four broken ribs, and migraines, and so on). I'm not exactly one of those "I'm leaving the infusion chair and going to the gym to prep for my half-marathon" types. I admire the hell out of those people, but I wasn't that person before cancer, and I'm definitely not one now. But I digress. I was a DO-ER, in my pre-cancer world. And in the last month or so, I've become somewhat of a do-er again! It's so amazing. 

It all started with the month of April. Usually, I dread the arrival of April. I was diagnosed in April. I have been hospitalized several times in the Aprils since. It seems like every year, there are Bad Things waiting for me around every April-ian corner. But this year, I decided to change the story. I told myself that April is going to be good! It will be a month of celebration! It's the proper beginning of spring, after all, and my husband celebrates his birthday, and summer plans start to come together. I just decided that every time I caught myself saying, ugh, April...that I was going to say, "Yay! April!" instead. And if Bad Things happened, well - I was just going to let them go. So what if bad things happen? They happen all the time, to everyone, all over the world. Why should April be any different than all the other months? 

This sounds a little hokey, I know. It sounds a little like the New Age-y, you can change your Fate with your feelings approach to cancer that drives me bonkers, for reasons I've explained more than once. But here's the thing: it worked! I mean, I didn't change my fate, of course, but I changed the way I REACTED to events, and that helped me feel better and more in control of my life.  April, it turned out, was fine. Sure, there were some Unfortunate Events, and yes, I did get shingles (AGAIN) right at the end of the month, but since I'd already planned to just let the bad stuff go, I did. I stayed cheerful and looked for the good in each day. We celebrated my husband's birthday! I had my fifth cancerversary! My children were superstars at school and on the lacrosse field! And I had energy like I haven't had for, well, years. Enough energy that when I thought, you know, I should do some spring cleaning...I actually had the will and the energy to follow through with that action and do it! 

Yes, I've been a menace to my family for weeks now. I emptied out my closet, my dresser, the bathroom cabinets in our bedroom suite. I tackled my husband's clothing collection and was merciless in getting rid of every rogue item of clothing, every tee shirt that should have been used as a dust rag years ago, all the cargo shorts (I KNOW I'm not the only wife who has this struggle), even the clothes that were once nice but now have stains on them and so must be discarded. It was AMAZING. Of course, all he has to wear now is a pair of swim trunks and a couple of nice ties, but we'll get that wardrobe built back up eventually! 

With our room now civilized, I moved down the hall to the children's rooms. My daughter has been working on becoming organized this year, and she's doing a terrific job, so I just stepped in and gave some tips and got a little more ruthless with the "does this still fit?" category. I cleaned out my son's clothes, and then I made him clean out his bookshelves, his desk drawers, the top of his dresser. His STUFF. He's quite the little raccoon, that one. Lots of tiny shiny things that can't be explained but must be kept. We organized some of those items and I threw many more away when he wasn't looking. AND I WAS HAPPY ABOUT IT! Then it was on to the laundry room, the living room, the art cart in the dining room. The kitchen drawers. Today...Today I cleaned out the HALL CLOSET. That certainly has not been attempted since moving in here almost three years ago. I think I heard some tiny angels singing as I worked. 

It's wonderful, to feel productive! I've also managed to go to the grocery store every week for the last three weeks, I've done the laundry, I've mailed cards (close to) on time. I even started strapping on my Apple Watch again, after months of not wearing it because I was too ashamed to see how few steps I took each day. I'm not quite back up to 10k a day, but there have been an awful lot of 7 and 8k days! 

Wheeeee! 

This is all possible, in part, for one exciting reason: the medication I've been bitching about to everyone who will listen (and even to anyone who will just pretend they are listening) is WORKING! Yep. I had scans on May 2, and learned by lunchtime on May 3 that my existing spots, which are in my lungs, have decreased by at least 20% each, and there are no new areas of concern. Such. Great. News! SO good, in fact, that I've been a little afraid to write about it, because I don't want to bring the gods of hubris or over-confidence or whatever to my door.  I am NOT bragging. I'm just sharing my happy news, right? And I am paying for this great news with my hair and my skin and my entire digestive system, apparently. I have what I can only call a bald spot (my husband charitably calls it "a wider section of your part") on the crown of my head, and all of my hair fits into one small sized ponytail holder. My skin woes continue, and my tongue feels like I've decided to pick up a fire eating habit and am not very talented at it. If I forget to take my anti-nausea medication, I am guaranteed to barf at some point during the day. So, ya know, it's not ALL rainbow and unicorns. I was freaking out about my hair a lot last week, but then I got it cut and have been gentle with it and following the suggestions of the hairdresser I saw...and I've lost far less hair in the last week. I also purchased clip-on bangs! Did you know this was even a thing? Check it out! (Oh, and I have no makeup on this in this picture - you can see my skin problems for yourself:

Yep, these bangs are fake (and cheap - I bought them on Amazon for $6.99!)
 but the rest of it is my actual hair...and yes,
I'm absolutely make-up free. You can't see my neck in this picture, which
once again is scarlet and looks like I've been attacked by a wildcat. It's
a really weird side effect.

Anyway, even with teen acne mixed with old lady wrinkles around the mouth and eyes, it IS fantastic to feel like I'm improving a bit for now, and I can't even begin to explain how awesome it is to have enough energy to make it through my day without naps, and without sleeping til noon. Going to the grocery store and keeping the house tidy is even inspiring me to take better care of myself, and to be a better parent, partner, and friend! (Oxygen and energy: is there anything they CAN'T do?) Because I'll tell you what: when you have zero zest for activities and you feel like an old piece of discarded toast, you just have very little vision beyond the end of your own toes. There have been so many days where I am just a ball with no bounce. I want to zoom around the room but, THUNK is all I've had to offer. Being able to spring around? Yeah. That changes everything completely. It certainly changed my April, and now it's changing my May as well. (Although today I'm not so super bouncy - I have a head cold and so low oxygen...But I still did laundry, washed my hair, and cleaned out the hall closet, so it's all relative, right?!) This is the May of momentum! The springtime of spronging! The blossoming of my latest bounce! And I am so here for every second of it. 

I hope you're having a celebratory springtime, too, and are able to find joy in the smallest of tasks and activities.
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