Sharpies and "there but for..."

I had my first SBRT session today. Can you feel me glowing right through the screen? I actually fell asleep while they were doing it. I hope that was okay because last time, there was this issue where I was breathing too slowly and so I had to speed up my breaths without hyperventilating. Try it some time. It's super fun. Seriously, though, if I don't breathe in the right pattern then they accidentally might get some normal tissue and I'd like to hang on to as much of that as possible, thankyouverymuch. 

So, one down and five to go. Apparently it made me a little bit tired. (It also, I noticed as I was getting ready for bed, left me with permanent marker all over my body - x's and circles and lines - so that they can be sure I'm all lined up correctly for the machine. All this technology at their disposal and a Sharpie is the best they can do? Really?)

Anyway. As we were leaving, I caught sight of another patient and she was in a bad way. I couldn't help but think about how I was really glad that wasn't my situation right now. Did I feel guilty thinking that? Yes, I did. But it's totally normal to feel that way. Which reminded me of one of those "What not to say to cancer patient" blog posts or articles or whatever that are out there littering the internet with their goody-goody righteousness and that I always wind up reading (I think because I get a kick out of the stupid shit people say, or supposedly say). 

One of the things on one list was, "Don't say, 'There but for the Grace of God go I.'" Whoever wrote this article went on to say that saying such a thing suggests that a) God loves the person without cancer more than the person with it - or that it suggests the non-cancer patient is luckier than the cancer patient - and b) it hurts the feelings of people with cancer when you say that. Hm. Can I just say a few things here? Of course

I can. It's my damn blog and I can say whatever I want. (At this point, I just KNOW there are a couple of former students who are reading along and realizing that I'm getting geared up for A Rant, and they're shaking their heads in despair because they thought they were safe from my rants these days. Sorry, kids.)

Now.  First of all, we've already covered this ground about Grace and God's tendency to like some people more than others - God is birthing stars and icebergs and aliens and butterflies, people. S/He (not that God is a person at all, if you ask me, but just for the sake of expediency) has no time or interest in micromanaging us little Earthlings and messing up individual people's lives, so the idea that God prefers one person over another is just absurd. 

Second, hell yes, it's human nature to feel that you're luckier than whoever you're saying that about. Because cancer really and truly sucks, and having it - well, let's just say that the day I was diagnosed was not a day I went around thinking, "Hot damn! Let's head to Vegas!" I mean, give me a break. Enjoy your luck with my (cancerous) blessing.  

Finally, I don't know if these people who write these advice pieces are just surrounded by idiots or what, but it should pretty much go without saying that you don't find out your friend has cancer and then look at her and say, "Well, there but for the Grace of God..." Anyone who says that to you should be sent to remedial friend school, at the very least. As should - on a mostly unrelated note but it was one of the dumbest things someone said to me last year - anyone who casually asks you, while you look ready to drop because you've just finished your third round of chemo and are standing in the sun trying to approximate a normal human being but, in retrospect, you realize that you weren't quite ready, "How you doin' baby," while also applying lip gloss. I'm just sayin'. The moral of this story? Choose better friends. 

Well. This has been a bit of a ramble. Packed with important information, like the fact that the most advanced medical procedures in the world involve the use of    Sharpies, and that God might be a hermaphrodite. So I'm just going to back away slowly and let you all digest my wisdom. In the meantime, I'll be hanging around here, planning my next Rant and making sure not to take any baths, since that could jeopardize the markings. Parting thought: they used forest green. Why? Shouldn't it at least be some kind of futuristic looking silver? 

 X marks the spot.